it's time for someone to put this wretched being out of her misery. the youth in asia are begging. i tried to eat cocoa powder out of the box to make it feel like i was being loved, but although chocolate may synthesize the feeling of loving, nothing can synthesize the feeling of being loved. someone told me the other day that they would see me to my grave, and i was a little scared, but i don't see what i have to live for. i don't believe in suicide, but i don't believe in this fear of people. why can't i be honest and say "I know she's not right for you!" or ask "could i rub my cheek against your hipbone?" or even call up colorado and say "shut the fuck up, my pain should mean something, after all, i'm going to be killed."

when i wrote grinny, i was insane, in some pseudochildhood, and that little girl has grown up in the past few months, continually dipping out of reality for those cosmic breaks she needs...
"Put me in the clear, I've taken it halfway.
I've climbed the ladder
I only need to be shoved me down the slide"
and i feel like i have to slide soon, and i need that urge, from something or someone to give me inspiration instead of this anxious yearning and realization that they all see me as the same thing; just some girl with severe emotional baggage that can't be claimed by another fucking human being, who is barely good for the sex she'll give you if you're drunk enough.

everyone talks about each other and a darling told me he wouldn't want to know, but i would want to know everything because i'm so tired of being this disconnected...the youth in asia are begging, coming for to carry me home home home