i want to call him right now and hear him whisper to me the way he used to sometimes, rasping into my ear every command and demand and desire and i would smile and blush and giggle stupidly...and i want to ask him how it is and how it was and if he really wanted to give me money, the way i felt like he was reaching for his wallet, not a cigarette, because he doesn't smoke nearly as much as he pretended he did after that single botched movement...i want to watch the look on his face as my tongue flickers over him...and the look on his face when he runs up with boyish enthusiasm and spouts my name, and it sounds like a symphony escaping his funny little voicebox and cascading over those criminally supple lips...my god this lust is unclean and unwarranted...perhaps if it could be quenched...it's not right anymore, it's over, i must stop i MUST STOP WISHING FOR ALL OF THIS BEAUTY I CANT EVER HAVE EVER....