I had a very busy night tonight, not hanging out with the friends I don't have, and not going on the dates that cancel on me and not doing the things i could do. I got dressed very nicely, then I read some Hemingway. I got kind of bored of that though, and so I was doing my makeup and I realized...I have a wrinkle. A few, near my eyes. I'm 16 and I have wrinkles. I decided to go back to reading after that, but it was pointless, so I made some dinner and walk around my house. I have decided to adopt the existential philosophy. It's bleak, to believe that ultimately nothing has any meaning, but at least things mean things interrumly. However, I felt tonight as though I had no Godot to wait for. I just sat, waiting on sleep or something. I vowed to be clean, conscious, from now on because you can't be conscious while unconscious. Someone I knew said that when you've got junk, you don't need friends. I was thinking of calling around and finding some, I could record the date as the day I made the decision to kill myself slowly. I found myself wishing for a reason for attention today, but I fear attention, and I desire knowledge. With knowledge, perhaps will come attention, but positive attention. Life, however bleak it is, is coming into focus again, and everything that I wondered is coming back to me. All my small superstitions wear on my brain, and I wonder if my life would change drastically if I were to walk through the left door every day instead of the right....Ultimately, it's just another night, unconscious wishing for true unconsciousness and waiting for something to wait for.