i visited my best friend from childhood in the hospital today. cancer is the saddest, scariest thing i've ever seen. she was like...curled into a ball, she was pasty white, she was so sick looking, they had a hundred little tubes and things dropping into her and out of her...her father was a wreck...she was putting on a brave face for me, but she was so wiped out...she's on chemo.

when i walked in, i started crying. i couldn't control myself...so i had to leave and then come back in...i told her she would get better and i told her dad i was sure she would be fine, but i don't really know. they don't even know what kind of cancer it is; it's one of those weird rare kinds...she's already starting to talk like she's going to die...it is so depressing....the worst is that they say they don't know how long it has been in her, it could've been 5 weeks or 5 years and something just inflamed it now...it could have been any one of us. her neck is all cut up and the chemo is making her sicker, like nauseas...she asked me about the view and i told her...she's been in a lot of hospitals...and the saddest thing i heard was her dad was saying that he had to get her to stand up, but she couldn't stand up because of the chemo, so if she didn't stand up, they wouldn't let her be an outpatient and they wouldn't think the chemo was working

how the fuck does such a nice, good girl get cancer just like that? the hospital is a good sign, it's a hospital for curing...they don't want their survival rates down so they only let in people they think they can help...although once you leave the first floor it starts to get deathy...they're doing the chemo as a precaution...but...they cut out the tumor....only time will tell, however, if she doesn't respond to the chemo, they're going to start radiation and all the other shit

i know me being freaked out sure doesn't help...so we just talked. i was like "oh it's good you won't have to see rutkowski, and you get all this free time to read and watch soaps" and she was like "i have an all state audition in two weeks and i can't practice because of my IV...and i can't go because my T cell count will be zero" and she wants to go to school...she'll be out at least a month...the meds they're giving her are damaging to her kidneys...so she has to pee every half hour she keeps throwing up, she's lost a few pounds...and i feel really disconnected from her life now...but connected to her as a person because we were always so close and i can't even think about kaplan giving her a "special service" like he did for oscar...or i mean...christ she's 16, you know? it's such a cliche...but i think the worst part is it's all true...

i cried a bit tonight for her...it should've been me, i really think i deserve it more...and i can't really say much except that i hope anyone and everyone who knows her or reads this just prays for her because i'm so fucking worried...and we haven't hung out in a good 2 years...but i went through my picture albums tonight, there are tons of pictures of us as little girls, playing in the snow, playing twister, having a sleep over...my favourite one is where i dressed her up in my sister's clothes...i always thought she looked so radiant and beautiful in the picture...and now she sort of became that way...i always complained that she wasn't maturing fast enough...but now she's right on schedule and it's just getting ripped away from her...i only wish there were something more i could do, but all i can do is cry and pray.