I hate the girl I am,
I am simpering
viciously insecure
I lean on alcohol not to make me bolder
but to give me an excuse to show
my weakness,
as a reason to lick my wounds
and assert my insecurity in public. It is
a reason for me to be the coward I have become

and I was only not like that around him
and now I don't even have him.

With him I was the way I was back
in high school, and last year:
heady, interesting, vibrant, but
slightly awkward in a way to make you want to know me,
but now everyone just wants to laugh or save me
and I don't want to be saved
I want to be free.

I hate hate hate so much
I think it's turning me ugly from the inside out
I can feel my whole body shriveling
with blackness

all the rotten shit
I say and do is just eating me up
and I want to fix myself
and change where I am
but I don't know where to go
and I don't know what to do