i am in chicago...or evanston, to be technical. tonight danah went to a party without me...i don't really resent it, i mean, she can't cancel her obligations...so i spent the night with her roomate peabody, who is engaged to marry a 15 year old...i am somewhat envious of all of these people with happiness and love and talent....i wish i had something that i was so good at that it was a clear choice...i want to be sure of what i want but all i know right now is that i want more than i need or anything, want in that "FUCKING WANT IT!" sort of way, and i can't help but wonder where the jack of all trades might end up...maybe i should give you know who a try for relationship city...but i don't like him. i don't think i ever could like him in that way...i have begun to wonder if i will ever love anyone...love. how elusive. all these people find it. i wonder if you're just too fucked up you don't get it. i sometimes wish i could be honest with people.....instead of flipping back "me too" just say whats on my mind...my problem is i don't know what is on my mind. maybe i just don't have anything else to say....maybe within my existing art lies the key of my existance and it will be found when i've been killed. i wish i were as bright as nicola six...then i'd know who and where to expect it...i need someone to tell me what i want. or at least help me figure it out. my entire existance is an incomplete sentence right now. how sad. how very sad, but without pity, in an apathetic, third person state. i smoked tonight. its a sign that i've reached that state....that state that brought me to overdose and weight gain...but this time for a lack of anything to do. i'm turning into the prairie song. my god i need an afficion! please, out there in radioland, in tvland...what is going on? what do you say? can you make sense of it all yet?