that girl i was kissing called me tonight. she's very happy and is having her brains fucked out over the next three days. i don't think that i am that upset over it.

There is this space inside of me though, i can finally get down food but i don't think i should eat it, it's not going to fill that void. i was asked if it is emotional spiritual or physical and i am not sure...it might be all three....

i went outside and all that was there was air and bugs, there was no gift, i felt strangled and i came back in and wanted to fall down on the floor and cry over something that i can't even name

i didn't sleep well, i watched 4 episodes of all in the family, 2 three's company and 2 the jeffersons. i liked the jeffersons best, the theme song is very good. i couldn't sleep though, i tried and i kept picturing you driving by, and me jumping into your car, our lips touching...then replaying it and i'm wearing something different and we have an awkward kiss...and i replay it and i'm wearing almost nothing and you laugh and we have a soft kiss and then a big one and we start it right there in my driveway...and then i fell asleep, finally clutching a pillow and had this dream that was covered in doom, it never came, but it was lurking, there, right around the bend, you could just feel it, like a party going too far...

I need to stop hating everything that i love, hating myself for loving it. If you don't love yourself how can anyone else love you? i feel, sometimes, like i'm the only one who loves myself. i feel that i am the only one responsible for my welfare, nobody has my back and nobody wants it and i can't even wash myself away in drugs anymore because i'm my own responsibility, and a drowning girl can't save herself without a little outside help or luck (and god knows i don't have that)...

I could really use the luck of the irish. Too bad i'm only 1/8 irish.