dear -

I am writing to you to tell you that I really think we've become better friends over the past few months than we ever were before. I am trying extra hard to take notice of this the first time around, because it seems so often I never realize who and what I have until I go back and re-examine my life. Lately, however, I have doubted the level to which I hold our friendship.

It's true I am drifting from most of my friends, I am trying my best to hold onto them but we all want different things, and I really don't know what I want anymore. I told one of our friends how afraid I am of losing my mind, but how close I am. He reacted in an interesting way, but I'm not shooting for a reaction, I'm shooting for a reason to stay connected to my life.

There is nothing worthwhile for me. Gill says I'm a terrible driver, it's true, I always pull out right in front of people and cut them off just because I don't care...when people honk at me and tailgate I slam on my breaks. Too often, driving alone, I entertain thoughts of just letting go, but I know I could not live with the fact that I could kill another person and only maim myself. I just need something easier.

I told you this morning I'd finished the Kaplan work, and you seemed moderately enthused. However, your lack of enthusiasm was correct. There is nothing spectacular about my finishing of that tiny burden. That is not what is weighing heavily on my soul; it is what everyone tells me...I'm not very bright, I'm not very pretty, I'm not very nice, skinny, fun...All those positive adjectives and none that fit.

I'm making myself sick over trying to settle the score within myself and I beg you to take time out of your schedule of fornication and pot smoking and try to rescue me, and if not, please pick me up off the street when it becomes necessary.

I will try to smile for David, that's what he always wanted.

cheers,

Betsy