Dear Sir,

I realize now, in my moment of clarity, nearly 2 am, when you used to shove off and leave me to my vices, that I should probably tell you that once, for a long time, I was convinced that I was in love with you. Foolish, I realize now that I know that I barely knew you, because how could I possibly know you when I never see you?

My thoughts turn always to the past, to the lengthy things, I had a wrap up of what happened with him just a few short weeks ago...you know who I mean, I used to use him to try to make you angry or jealous, and I'd play you against him the same way. And good lord it pissed him off to know I'd come to him from you, or rejected by you, however the case may be. But I grew to care so much for him that I just kind of let go of you and all the stupid fourteen year old tactics I'd employed with you because I wanted you so much when I was so young and just sort of lost my head in the idea of it, that somehow, somewhere I made up the personality I wanted you to have and in recent times, when my eyes were opened by a boy with eyes so clear it hurt me to look at him...I saw you, and saw my own influences, as well as my own stupidity.

I changed more than I have probably in my whole life from May to June, and I will tell you it released a lot of anger and resentment towards you. Despite that, I can't help but look back fondly at you. You are, and probably always will be, because of the way I viewed you and the way I choose to view you now (through the teenage eyes I saw you with), someone from whom a warm word and a smile, a phone call would elate me to no end...but you'll never really be as exalted as the newest prototype.

You should be proud, you were your own for a while: incredible. How ironic a title I chose for you and your kind, the type that is beautiful to me, so innocuous...but so completely untrustworthy, so unreliable...incredible in the senses both of amazement and unbelievability.

I find myself rambling through this, it's not well thought out, but it's so necessary that I just say to you, our relationship has been one of "if onlys" and "I wishes" for me, and now I feel just a strange, melencholic connection to you...like seeing a childhood friend on the street. We live in different worlds, in every sense of the word, and I'd love to reconcile them, but I was never that girl, I was never the girl that people called up to hang out...and you never did because I told you I didn't want to, but how could I go back and be so old world, so "I said no but I secretly hope yes," especially when it has brought me so much pain and suffering throughout the times I've known you.

Perhaps the reason I feel like you deserve a letter is because I fear we'll trail on in a limbo state and frankly I wish there were something different with us, something beyond secretly watching each other but never speaking, something either truer or something that would finally release at least me, because you always seem to pop into my mind when I don't want to think about you.

Since I've known you, all I wanted to do was sing other people's songs at you, and now I've written a canon of songs to you that you've never heard, I've wanted you to hear so that you could understand what burned so bright and turned so bitter...I blamed you for so many things that I now realize I can only blame myself for. You have taught me a lot, and one of the most important things is something that was told to me once, not by you, but I illustrated it so well...it was to "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Hokey, yes. Hallmarky, yes. But I suppose when you're in the presence of someone pure enough to believe it, and to hear them say it, it rings true somehow. Ain't a cliche for no reason.

In any case, I apologize for all the times I embarassed you and myself and just wanted to let you know I'm around, and friendship is always out for the taking. Many confused feelings, finally being sorted, sent out to you indirectly through this letter,

BS