i must confess
i was very much disappointed in your failure to worry
about my welfare.
i told you about the poor boy
the compound fracture
the big italian man
with his body pressed against mine as a challenge,
physically threatening and bullying me into submitting to him in one way or another
so i gave him the goddamned money
and was punished with a sloppy kiss from his deformed, pastrami eating face.

I was so glad to climb the stairs today,
i wish you had been there to see me crying quietly alone,
speaking to myself in murmured french
pretending i was vietnamese 10 minutes too late.

you weren't there,
neither was he.
for now, i think i shall settle with you
you show enough concern that i can smile,
but when he returns to me
(my "when" boldly infers that he will indeed return)
i will have no more use for you,
i use you as a substitute for him.

he is infinitely more gorgeous,
through and through
than you shall ever be
with your talk of pussy
and hot kisses on either side of salty necks.