okay, just a rant to say for the record you're just the same as all the others. so vodka came and overtook me and filled me of liquid courage and false sense of wellbeing as i unabashedly phoned everyone i've ever known to chat and warble tunes with and you rang rang rang to me to call down to me and extend a hand only to pretend that it had never happened and to give the final, ultimate kiss off, saying "i've seen what you do, i've seen how you are" but i've seen you and you're just the same as all the rest of them

and you called me out like i feared you might, so why do you play dumb when theres a lot more in that seemingly thick skull than you let on to? don't be afraid, don't be alarmed, don't be ashamed it's only me. i wish we had more time to explain ourselves, but you limited us to exactly what we had and i don't want to have that sort of shit anymore, not without a strong smelling salt to give me a wake up call when i'm floating in that lala land where everything is incomprehensible bliss. but even though we never spoke in the heat of a dance club, or parked on a slope overlooking the sea it's clear that you were just the same as all the other ones.

and somehow i find myself mourning your loss, mourning my own embarassment. every time i dial your number my fingers ache with knowledge, the knowledge that i am breaking my own heart in thinking i can ever have anything simple and clear cut, instigating my own humiliation with my inability to retrieve something that is flying right at me...and you're just the same as the other three, in different ways, you're more like me but closer to the wire at times while at other times i sense my own fear much later than you but in any case its very clear to me that you are all exactly the same and i must find something new to occupy my mind.