i had a dream last night that you and i went for a walk down park avenue. we rode back together on the train and we got into my car and we parked in a dark, shady area like the place on gatsby that overlooks the harbor and the bridge...and i lay my head on your lap the way i used to lay my head on his and i pulled you down to kiss me and it was a kiss like nobody else kisses...really strong, a ghostly memory, perhaps of someone i'd rather not think about....all mouth and no real fighting over when to start and end and no teasing...just clamp down and go...the way you embrace...and then the next day i saw you again at this weird gathering place where everyone we knew was hanging out, sort of like a big airport lounge, and i took your hand under the table and you smiled at me and your eyes were so big and cartoon like when they darted at me for that split second, i felt like we were the only two people at the table, and our silent conversation was the only one...and i dragged you to the bathroom and threw you against the wall and you buried your hands in my clothes and i cupped your lovely swan jaw and it was beautiful, and i was beautiful and you were beautiful...

and i wish it had been real