so someone said to me that watching me go to bars to get picked up was like watching an artist at work. i am not sure whether i am flattered or mortified. i'm having yet another relationshipal crisis -- it's not my fault i just read Bridget Jones at the Edge of Reason!! -- and wish so badly that i could find my own mark darcy or even a daniel. i destroy everything. last night, some guy came up to me and after we spoke for a minute, he was like 'you are the most amazing girl i've ever met, will you please kiss me?' and granted he was drunk but GOD it would be nice to hear that from someone who actually knows me. i was replaying all the guys and it suddenly dawned on me...the only ones i think about are the ones who showed affection in bizarre ways, but were never straightforward, never used the dreaded L word, were never as submissive and treacly as 'you are so amazing...' and yet..found ways to draw me into them, most of the time a complete abhorration because i really should be doing better than this...

they're so cunning though, always doing the perfect things...whether it is touching my arm when i'm walking out the door or kissing me like monica keena in crime and punishment or with some sort of panicked smile running pastand then into a gate or just sliding their hands everywhere. i know i'm not girly enough traditionally, but sometimes i really feel like it's just that i am incapable of being anything but what i am-- sex. which is fine, for a while, but it gets so GRIM. i feel sometimes like my best friends are great...but deep down i want to fuck half of them and they know it and that's why we're friends. i miss danah for that reason, i love everyone else, but danah ws the only person who ever really said 'i love you' and i was happy to hear it because it was real and it felt real and i could sleep on her lap and be completely happy and now i don't really have such a liason.

could it be that the great singleton finally desires a mate? i can't think of anyone i could handle. boy 1- fat chance, etc for boys 2-14, the rest would cheat or be uninterested and it would really be a royal mess...i worry about the moment of truth with 1...we can't, we're too fucking built up, i'm too scared of what it will do to me. i don't know if i can handle the agression i usually adore in others, and i can see in his eyes it's there, just waiting to come out...

i think i get like this every so often. hello out there! i feel better now, i think. but i will mull this over more. maybe i am mourning my first relationship never to be...who knows? i've got football books to edit.