So

I fell in love, big deal, so I let it down, yea fucking right. everyone's getting married in these winter wonderlands, everyone has his and hers dishtowels and wifey and baby and all i've got is georgi or dmitri or some guy whose real name i'll never know to give me something that takes all the numb out of it but i guess for a little while i can feel, and it's intense, you know liz phair said "every time i see your face i get all wet between my legs"...well yea, not for me, i get this pain in my chest when your face appears on my screen, i see that look in your eye and i know you don't feel anything for me, just a vague sense of irritation as if when you see me on the street you wouldn't turn and walk away but you'd pretend not to see my shy smile at you, only acknowledging an embarassing display of affection like kneeling down and worshipping you...and you know, he tells me to come by any time at night, he tells me he doesn't love me, i don't have to worry about being drawn in and i look at his face sometimes and i feel like i love him because he hates you so much, he can see you in my mind, i'll be thinking and he'll say your name and it's scary to think that you did that to me, even that fucking girl could see the scars you put all over my body, all the scratches and bites, and all the walls i built around myself as a result, believing every fucking word you told me and finding out they were lies and now i can't believe anyone

recently someone just fell into me and i can't deal with it, i find myself unning back into crossed arms, throwing myself at feet that kicked me out years ago and i just want to lick the walls of the candy house i built for our relationship to live in, because it's no fucking good to have these thoughts in my head, it's not right to coddle my feelings towards you, he needs to smite them out of me, replace your scars with new bending, someone does, i need replacements, hundreds of thousands with tongues and blue eyes and long limbs to cradle my body when i have the shakes from giving up my old ways i'm afraid...i guess thats what it is. i want to continue, but when you start thinking of things i do, and when you do things i've done, you know you just need to stop before you destroy everything.

<3

I really miss my fags, by the way.