I am worried that I am setting myself up for failure. I am about to receive the one thing I thought was the only I wanted, but it's still indefinite, and two years later I'm beginning to wonder if it's really what I want at all. I can see myself sitting there, scared, see him, unafraid, just looking at another girl he feels some fondness towards...and I can see awkwardness, discomfort...and I can see myself walking up my driveway and feeling sort of sick, and empty inside, and turning around and watching his car turn right at the end of the block, and running upstairs to my room and crying.

In tears, I might call someone, and then I stop, because I know I would want to call you, and then I know you would ask why I didn't call Gill, and then I realize you might not even be home, and you'd probably be put off by a girl you hardly know calling you and telling you how whorish, broken and sad she feels.

I know all of this, but I still want it...for the vague possibility that maybe he'll buy me a present on my birthday, or maybe give me a call sometime, or call me again and again, wanting to go out again. Or perhaps, on the phone with you, you'll get angry, and realize you want me too, and don't want to hear about these idiots who are putting me down and pushing me around, and do something like they do in movies. I wish I lived in the movies, not reality...