Dear sir,

I trusted you and I suppose that was the first mistake I made in our relationship. I remember that first night I met you that I was sort of afraid of you and when she came up and said you'd give us a ride I was surprised and scared but so grateful...and from then on you sort of became this thing I depended on, when I should've stayed cautious. You took me places and showed me things and were really this big brother figure, the type I always wanted...you knew so much and could tell me so many things and you would swing me around and pat me on the head.

Remember that one time that I was with Incredible and you pulled me out of the car and you clutched me to yourself and I thought all that time that it was protection but I see now there was some sort of perverse grooming-- the way your eyes changed when I told you I was 18 and the way you fucked me-- you really fucked me and I'd never been fucked by anyone I knew and trusted and liked so of course I kind of fought it but eventually let myself think I loved you. You were my goddamned idol.

I idolized you and you were a coward and a liar and you ripped me to shreds, you talked about me as though you were some middle school girl, talking shit behind my back, and I'm angry at you, I was angry when I saw who I had been replaced by, who we had been replaced by, and she sat there in her stupid smug child way and I wanted to scream and instead I just sucked down gin and put on a wry smile and waited for us to be alone and we were and you looked at me and you looked fucking ashamed, and you should've been and said "I don't know what to say to you," and I realized then that you were no idol, you were this pathetic coward and you wouldn't tell me the truth anymore if you ever had before and I wanted to suck down the rest of my gin and leave before I cried in front of you.

I was so glad I never told you how I felt, only hinted it because I would have died of shame for loving someone who fucking lies the way you do, who purports to be something so great and unattainable and talented and exciting and you're really just this conservative boring girl who manipulates people and I hate you and I sincerely hope you get into a car crash and lose limbs.

I also realize that I hate you all the more because I'd take you back in a heartbeat but I would punish myself to punish you, so great is my anger. Eat a castor seed.

love,
BS