A girl possessed
I say what I mean
and let things slip
that make my skin crawl
in the light of morning
I must shut my eyes
to shut out the shame

A girl obsessed
I have to learn you
and spin myself to your liking
and change myself back into youth
and force what I want
out of me and into you

I peel off my clothing
and I pull up my stockings
and I push up my bra
and I shake up my hair

I suck in my stomach
and screw up my courage
and smile through my nervous
and lie
in your bed

because you tell me I'm lovely
but I know I am awful
and I tell you I want you
but I don't know what I want
I just know I don't want
to shut my eyes
and feel shame like the sun
burning my cheeks

don't want to feel winded
from news unexpected
don't want to feel slighted
by choices I don't have
don't want to feel worthless
when those words stop coming
but I do and I will
and I never can stop it
and I know
but I try anyway